Has someone just opened up to you about their porn problem?
Or maybe you’ve noticed a loved one struggling with an unhealthy amount of porn?
Whatever the case, one of the most loving things you can do is to talk with them, offer support, and help them break free from this struggle. (Yes, it IS possible to quit for good — no matter how long they’ve struggled with it!)
However, porn can be a very tricky problem to deal with. If you’re not careful, you can actually end up hurting the person rather than helping them achieve their goal.
So how exactly can you help someone with a porn addiction?
Well… that’s precisely what we will look at in this article.
We’ll review the science behind porn addiction, look at the signs that indicate your loved one might be struggling with porn, and end with three things you can do to help them right now.
We’ll also look at some common pitfalls people fall into when trying to help—so you can be the best support for your loved one!
Understanding porn addiction
While the American Psychological Association doesn’t recognize porn addiction as a mental health problem or disorder, anyone that has struggled with porn addiction will tell you how difficult it can be to stop.
This is because, according to a study by Dr. Donald Hilton, overuse of porn can physically damage your brain and cause you to lose some of your rational thinking. Watching too much porn can also lead to a dopamine “overdose,” or forming a chemical bond with your screen. This creates a cycle of porn use that’s very difficult to break out of.
Used excessively, porn can also have a negative impact on one’s relationships and set unrealistic expectations for intimacy. It can affect motivation, lower your self-esteem, and bring out a strong sense of guilt and shame.
That’s why even though some would say it’s technically not an “addiction,” porn can cause real problems and can be extremely difficult to break free from without help.
Signs a loved one might be struggling with porn
If your loved one approaches you about their porn problem, great! You can skip ahead to learn how to help them deal with the problem.
However, chances are that they won’t even mention their problem, which can be more tricky. This is because using porn can cause a lot of guilt and shame, so coming forward and admitting to having a porn problem can be very difficult for some people.
That’s why before looking at how to help someone, here are some signs that your loved one might be addicted to porn:
- They can’t seem to stop – Maybe your loved one said they’ll stop. But you catch them watching porn over and over again. This is a clear sign that they might have a problem.
- They become secretive about porn use – Again, using porn causes guilt and shame. That’s why people tend to hide their porn use if they know it’s becoming an unhealthy habit. Oftentimes, they’ll hide in another room while viewing porn.
- They lose interest in real intimacy – Porn has a very negative effect on intimacy. Too much porn can make people disinterested in their partner and may require more stimulation before they can become aroused.
- They become distracted or irritable – Like other addictions, people who are hooked on porn can feel irritable when they can’t get it. They can easily be distracted while doing other tasks, and can even become angry and lash out.
How to help someone addicted to porn
Now, let’s get to the practical side of things. How do you actually help someone addicted to porn?
Here are 3 ways you can help someone with a porn addiction:
1. Start the Conversation
If your loved one doesn’t come to you first, don’t wait for them!
Remember, porn use can feel shameful. That’s why you shouldn’t expect your loved one to come to you. If you notice they’re struggling with porn, take initiative and start the conversation yourself.
However, you’ll want to do this carefully. Coming out and accusing a loved one of porn addiction can actually hurt them if you don’t approach it with care. It could even lead to them shutting you out rather than opening up. Here are a few tips to start the conversation:
- Choose the right time and environment – Don’t bring up this sensitive conversation at an inappropriate time! Avoid bringing it up while they’re busy, and definitely don’t bring it up while they’re irritated at something. Instead, find the right place and time for a serious conversation.
- Avoid judgmental language – One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to come off as judgmental. Yes, porn use is a problem, and yes there can be some very negative effects for the person if they don’t stop. However, you want the person to open up to you, and one of the best ways to do this is to be understanding and supportive.
- Express concern, not blame – Let your loved one know that you’re concerned. Let them know that you noticed how their porn use is affecting their lives. And finally, don’t blame them, but let them know that their porn use is also affecting you.
- Encourage them to speak up – Encourage your loved one to talk to you about their struggles. Be a non-judgemental listening ear for them. Let them know that you’re there for them and that you’re willing to help them work through their problem!
2. Offer to Be an Accountability Partner
Once your loved one starts talking about their problem, this is where you can step in and offer yourself as an accountability partner.
However, if you’re feeling hurt and betrayed as a spouse, we highly recommend that you work together to find a primary accountability partner outside of your relationship due to the trauma involved. Instead, lean on a trusted friend, a spiritual mentor, or even a relative. And once you’ve chosen them, send them this article.
Remember that being an accountability partner takes work. Here are a few tips for yourself or a trusted friend on how to be a good accountability partner.
- Always be Ready to Listen – Being an accountability partner means always being there for your partner. Turning them away when they want to talk can very easily harm the relationship and cause them to keep everything to themselves instead.
- Set Goals and Rules – Accountability partners are not just there to listen, but also to hold you accountable for your goals. Discuss with your partner, set goals, and hold them accountable whenever they falter.
- Check In Regularly – Setting up regular check-ins is a great way to make sure things go well. We’re all busy, so meeting daily might not be possible. However scheduling a weekly catch-up to talk about your partner’s progress can go a long way in ensuring they actually meet their goals.
3. Encourage Them to Use Helpful Tools
Very few people can overcome pornography addiction through willpower alone. One of the primary reasons for this is because of how accessible porn is today. Not only is there an almost unlimited library of porn on the internet, but people are really just 15 seconds away from porn at any given moment.
The good news is that there are a number of tools designed to make it harder to access porn. Yes, there will always be clever workarounds for these tools. But adding an extra layer of effort can deter someone from using porn so freely.
Most tools are designed to block pornographic websites on your computer or smartphone. However, there are also accountability apps that allow users to share what they’re doing on their computer or phone with an accountability partner.
Accountability apps like Ever Accountable (you can get a 14-day free trial here) are very effective at reducing porn use (up to 95% reduction!).
Why? Well, ask yourself, “If my accountability partner was looking over my shoulder, would I watch porn?”
Unless you’re desperate, the answer to that would almost always be no.
Don't leave your loved ones behind!
Struggling to quit porn can be extremely frustrating. Even if you’re aware of its negative effects, it can be incredibly difficult to break free from its grip.
So, if you know someone who is struggling with a porn addiction, don’t leave them behind!
Approach them with love and empathy, and offer to help them by being their accountability partner. Trust us, they’ll thank you for it someday!
*The Ever Accountable blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
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